No. I'm not dead. Just incredibly busy!

Its been a while since I’ve updated this blog and I decided that now that I have time, I’ll start it up again. Here’s a quick snapshot of happenings since my last update:

·         FFB is now FFF. As in Frequent Flyer Fiancé. Yes friends, I got the ring I’ve been asking for. However, it was last April and we still haven’t set a date. The topic of Vegas came up a few weeks ago, but that was about it.

·         We are all under one roof. What a fiasco. Its chaotic at best. Now there really is no privacy. The only time I can get alone is the middle of the day when F3 is on the road and I go home for lunch. Even then the dog follows me around. When one gets sick, we all get sick. Kind of like the spread of the black plague in the 1800’s. However, there are more hands to do work around the house and the little ones seem to entertain each other.

·         I graduated college. Finally. God what a journey. I’m storing my diplomas in the bottom drawer of my night stand. I don’t know what else to do with them.

·         My mom died the day after Thanksgiving. We’re thinking her liver finally gave out considering Swiss cheese had less holes. I’ll do another post on this later. I’m still dealing.

·         Christmas was spent in Montana with my future in laws, all 5 kids, and my dad. We ate 9 lbs of bacon in one day. We all got the flu. It was 4 degrees. It was epic.

So my friends. I will now endeavor to update you more regularly on the funny happenings in our lives as they come.

Slacking at Life

It just dawned on me that its been a long time since I've written and I think its because I'm a HUGE slacker. Right now I'm watching this deal on USA about John Cena and The Rock. OOOOOHHHHH so exciting. Actually. I'm bored. For the first time ever. And a little lonely. FFB and the boys are in Montana for a week. My kiddos are gone too. I'm sitting here with the dog spilling coffee in bed. No ones going to yell at me for it.

I've been slacking on getting mom and dad's house done. I gave up at a point when I realized that my mom had a different idea than I did. I also gave up when I realized that we couldn't afford a huge overhaul, but yet she wouldn't stop talking about it. So, I hired a housekeeper and that's about it. when it finally gets warm, if it ever does, I'll get the yard done.

I've been slacking on taking care of my mom. Sort of. Its bothering me that my dad just doesn't do anything. Mom asked him to fix dinner the other night because her back hurt too much and he make a huge deal over it. So, I told my mom that he needed to step up a bit and I was going to back off a bit. We'll see how it goes. She put a cardboard box in the oven while it was on the other day.

I got a speeding ticket the other day and I'm apathetic about it. I had written down in my calendar that Tyler's dance recital was at 7. It was at 3. We were a little late and I was speeding. I knew that if I didnt' make it so she could dance, I'd never hear the end of it from her dad. He already thinks I'm selfish.

Work makes me want to slack. I feel like I work my ass off and get nowhere. So I check out pinterest. And facebook. I'm just tired of beating my head against a wall.

I also feel like I'm starting to slack at my relationship with FFB. I am sooooo in love with him. But we're constantly surrounded by kids and responsibility. We rarely have a minute to talk to each other and are usually interrupted.  I've been hinting at wanting a ring, but everytime the subject comes up, he changes it so it makes me wonder what his plan is. I'm moving in this summer, but a part of me is of the mind that once I'm there, nothing will change. And that makes me not really want to work at it any more.

Anyway. I just am of a mind that I'm slacking at life right now. Not really sucking, just slacking.

I think she's trying to forge my signature

My daughter just came to me with a clip board that contained a list of "chores" that I was to have done. Things like dishes, laundry, and "reading to your kids."


My list of chores

And while I'm proud of her for making her lists - a trait I know she inherited from me. It shows me she's detail oriented and a good planner. However, this particular list looks like a bunch of attempts to sign my name...


My signature

 So, I've decided to hide my checkbook. She's only 7 but there's this unhealthy obsession with horses. I already come home to stockpiles of fake clip on colored hair and Silly Bandz she gets from her friends. I have no clue what I would do with a freaking horse in the back yard.

Christmas Season is Akin to Jungle Warfare

Its been a while and rightly so. I had the Furious Five for three weeks straight while FFB did his year end push. The holidays have typically been a sore spot for me. In the past I’ve busted my big ass to make sure everyone gets what they want or need and put a lot of thought into gifts. I work my ass off to cook Thanksgiving and make sure that the food is delish. However, I would frequently end up eating cold food while tending to others needs and often found myself watching people open gifts while I drink my coffee and look at my plethora of gifts that were purchased from the Dollar Tree or Big Lots. Needless to say its tough getting into the spirit. And I’m noticing my ability for saying witty things is lacking. But that will change after the first of the year.

With the conclusion of Turkey Day was the FFB travel marathon in which we had some issues. One kid got kicked off the bus for the week so there was additional driving required for that. Between that and basketball and taekwondo, the weeks were busy. The day the Bus Pariah got to go back on the bus he remembered a parent or guardian needed to sign his form. Well I’m neither so I successfully taught the boy that its OK to tell a white lie to get what you want and signed my first name with their last name. In my defense, I’m corralling 5 children and taking them places. I have no time to get Bus Pariah to school and then try to make it 20 minutes to my house in another school district to get my kids to school. You do what you have to in order to survive. Jungle Warfare 101, baby. That afternoon I got a call that he had a choir concert. The day before I was handed a warning letter from the before school program his littlest one is in about many of the same complaints and observations I have about the child. By the time FFB came home I was tired and a tad frustrated.

In between I did get a chance to get away to San Francisco with my friend Coco Chanel for a few days in which I managed to drink way too much in Napa and hurl all over the beautiful bathrooms at the Coppola winery. A week later I got a text from Coco Chanel letting me know it just dawned on her that at that very moment in time the week earlier I was barfing. I love her. She makes me laugh at myself. I laugh at her sometimes too. Especially when we’re ripping through downtown San Francisco on Segways. Fucking awesome dude.

Now we’re in the Christmas crush where the kids are insisting on telling everyone what they’re getting from Santa. Similarly, my littlest one is afraid of being mean because when we saw Santa on Saturday he told him to be nice or Nick wasn’t getting any toys. My ex called me to tell me that he called the house to talk to Tyler and he can hear Nick and my mom going at it in the back ground. Nick’s pissed because mom turned the TV off so he’d eat. Therefore he didn’t want his pancake and he didn’t want to talk to his dad who can hear the two of them yelling at each other. So, I played on that little boys fear that Santa was going to take his presents away for being naughty –something he expressed concern about on Saturday after we saw the jolly red suit. I had a co-worker call the house and pretend to be Santa and tell Nick he heard he was not talking nice to Grandma and that he’s watching Nick very closely over the next few days to make sure he listens and uses his manners like Mr. Hurd (taekwondo teacher) told him and that if he continues to behave the way he was this morning Santa was not stopping by the house on Saturday night. Got a call from mom right after he hung up that there was an abrupt 180 from Nick, but Tyler was not happy because Santa didn’t talk to her. So, I told mom to tell her that Santa was only calling the kids on the naughty list this year and she bought it. Score one for mom and her ingenuity. And her apparent willingness to lie to children…..

Its been a while since I checked in and its because shit's been busy yo.

Fire Marshall Bill for the most part is still trying to burn her house down. I discoverd she likes to put glue in the microwave so it flow's better. She likes to burn candles on their sides so they burn evenly. And then last night she wanted to get one of those huge propane heaters to put on her covered deck where the highest point is about 7 feet up. The scan she had last month came back negative, so it's just Chemo Brain. 

Thanksgiving was a blast. My sister and her family came up. We drank a TON of wine and forgot our troubles for a few days. I miss that bitch. Her and her hubby are going to fucking Tanzania in January. Just because. Africa. What a trip.

I started my third load of laundry just now. Today Tyler had two more teeth pulled and she has been freaking out hard core about the whole process. So this morning, she says good morning and that she's not gonig to the dentist, then leaves the room. Nick for his part chose today to come down with the stomach flu. So while I'm trying to get him cleaned up and situated, she's melting down. It took me about 1/2 hour to get her to take something that looks like the label said Hydrox something that makes her sleepy. We took her to a special pediatric dentist and after an hour there, they decide she's still to freaked out and lets SEDATE her. SEDATE like when you take the dog to the vet so his balls get wacked off. For his part, her dad did fine until she started getting the novocain shots. He'd had the same stomach flu Tyler had last week so today he was not only dehydrated but had no food in his stomach. He got up, took off down the hall and fainted. Good Christ. Paramedics came. They pulled her tooth and getting her out of sedation was tough. She cried most of the time.

Next week I'm on vacation. I get to go to San Francisco where it is above 40. Kids are staying home along with the laptop and FFB. Time to myself! YAY

Running around with her hair on fire. Or at the very least, a pot holder

This post is kind of depressing and for that, I do apologize. So if you don't want to be bummed while you're laughing I suggest you go some place else and wait for my next post.

As you know, my mom has Stage 4 Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. This is a cancer that starts in the milk ducts and metastizes into other parts of the body. Right now, its in her spinal column, her liver and her pelvis. She had a mastectomy last spring and started her second course of chemo in August after my niece got married. It sucks. Pretty much. We've been trying to have fun with it, but lately, I'm not really finding it humorous any more.

She's always been a little strange, my mom. I chalked it up to the fact that she's 39 years older than me so there's a huge generational gap. Over the last year, she's been forgetting things more and more, which I initially chalked up to age (she's 72), the fact she drinks martinis like prohibitions coming again, and what they call "Chemo Brain" where things get a little foggy. You'll have a conversation with her that she will forget you had the next day, and during that conversation, she'll tell you the same thing at a minimum of three times. My sister and I get so frustrated because this is a woman who knew what we were doing before we even thought about doing it. Now she keeps track on a calendar when she took a bath last. The other thing that really bugs is  you send her to the store with a list, and she doesn't come back with a fucking thing that was on it. One day I sent her for heavy cream and whole milk for mac & cheese. I got 1/2 and 1/2 and 2% milk. She said she read the list. Dad said she read the list. I figured she wasn't paying attention like usual. And of course she doesn't remember this incident.

So Wednesday night I get home from Nick's taekwondo class and had run out to check on FFB's boys. He was on a late flight home from Phoenix and I wanted to make sure they ate before he got home at 8:30. Mom had thrown some chicken nuggets in the toaster oven for Nick when I walked in the door. I was fixing noodles for Tyler and I started smelling something not right. My first instinct was to look around Nick who likes to make himself fart. No Nick, or Tyler who has the worst smelling gas of any little girl I know. I looked over at the toaster oven and it had smoke billowing out of it. "WHAT THE FUCK?" say I as I walk around and see FLAMES shooting out of the door to the toaster oven. I open the door and there is a crochet pot holder resting on the heating element. ON FIRE. ON FUCKING FIRE! 

So, add fireman to my long list of job duties while I live at home. Mom, for her part, got up from paying bills, looked at what was going on, shrugs her shoulders and initiates the following conversation:
"What happened Missy?"
"Mom, there was a pot holder on fire in the toaster oven! What are you doing?"
"I didn't put that in there. Did I?"
"Mom, holy shit, you are the one that put the nuggets in there!"
"Hmmm. I don't remember doing that."

She then turns around and proceeds to sit back at her desk to pay bills. My dad, who heard nothing because he's fucking deaf, yells up to her that Survivor is on. "OK. I'll be right down," she says. And sure as shit, she just gets up and plops her ass in her Lazy Boy leaving me standing in the kitchen with a smoldering pot holder, smoke wafting around me, and Cajun style nuggets.

So here it is three days later and I've discovered a few additional tidbits. My sister talked to her Thursday and was told to have a Happy New Year, mom said some weird random shit that my sister swears she was serious about, and that I'm a blabber mouth (DUH!). My dad mentioned that he frequently finds burners left on. And, mom still doesn't think what happened was a big deal. I've called her doctor and she goes in Monday for a CAT scan on her brain.

I told her I wanted to make sure it was still there,which made her laugh, and that was the point. Because really, I think that something else more sinister is going on up in that not-so-hairless-anymore head of hers.

The Boat Trip, The Boat Trip, The Boat Trip

My parent's belong to the American Legion in town. Great organization for retired veterans. They have a ton of friends and spend every weekend down there playing darts and doing what they can to rid the bar of its pesky beer and gin problem. My mom also has nothing better to do with her life but gossip about some of the people that are members (like us!). There is one woman who I know through my ex-in-law's that really is like a pimple on your underwear line-we'll call her Muffy. Really irritating and a relif when its gone. My mom, in a rare moment of clairity, tends to agree with me.

So the Auxiliary put on this Boat Trip for the Post, or they tried to. And at some point, the trip got cancelled for whatever reason. But because my mom doesn't remember things like yelling at my dad at 1 AM yesterday morning about him needing to march his ass into the Legion meeting and tell them _____, she doesn't recall the reason The Boat Trip was cancelled. However, her sources tell her Muffy was at the root of the problem. Her sources also tell her that Muffy and her friend Brunhilda were kicked out of the bar by the Auxiliary  - who doesn't have the kind of bar banishing power it thinks it does - for The Boat Trip Cancellation Snafu. Essentially the trip got cancelled by a Mystery Guest for not enough attendees, even though there were 30 or 40 people waiting down at the dock's for the boat.

Me: "how did Muffy get involved, again."
Mom: "She had the list."
Me: "The list of what?"
Mom: "the list of people going."
Me: "So she's at fault automatically? I don't like the woman, but it seems kind of concentration camp-ish to blame her for the whole thing just 'cause she has a list."
Mom: "Well, the Auxiliary sent her a letter telling her she and her friends can't come into the bar any more."
Me: "And that has what to do with cancelling the Boat Trip?"
Mom: "She had the list."
Me: "OK.... So who told you the trip was cancelled?"
Mom: "The club secretary. And I told her we weren't going anyway."
Me: "OK, so who told her the trip was cancelled?"
Mom: "I don't know. But Muffy got told in three letters that she couldn't come into the bar any more. The Auxiliary doesn't run the bar. The Legion does, so if anyone gets 86'ed, the Legion has to do it."
Me: "So, what did the other two letters say?"
Mom: "That she's not allowed to go into the bar. But the the Auxiliary can't do that. They don't run the bar."
Me: "Right...."

At this point I tell my mom that if she's going to gossip, she needs to remember the story and the players. As it is, she's just making shit up on the fly. What I did manage to take from this 20 minute conversation was that my mom said "Boat Trip" about 50 times. Like that Olympic Boat Center commercial with the woman saying "all they ever talk about is The Boat. The Boat, The Boat, The Boat," as she strokes her kitty....